Fat People
I’ve noticed that almost all fat people act the same way. There are a few things about fat people that really piss me off that I will be discussing here. This might offend you, but whatever. I’m mostly talking about people in the 300lb+ range. Please note, I’m not angry at the world, it’s all in good fun.
Fattitude- Why is it that all people over a certain weight all have a pissy attitude? It’s as if they think the world is out to get them. We don’t hate you, fat people, we just want you to lose some damn weight. You know all of those starving children in Africa? Yeah, you equal about twenty of them put together. I think that fat people are pissy for a multitude of reasons: 1.) All of the fat on their head is compressing their skulls, thus pressing on certain areas of the brain that effects their emotions. 2.) They’re jealous of skinny people. You know, if you didn’t eat so much, you too would be able to comfortably sit behind the wheel of you car! 3.) They can’t see their penis/vagina. 4.) They haven’t eaten for A WHOLE TWENTY MINUTES. omg. 5.) They have food/toilet paper/a midget stuck in their fat rolls. Or 6.) They just soiled themselves. I think the worst thing about fat people is that they complain about being fat! They bitch and moan about it, then go have McDonalds for dinner. Oh wow, that’s productive.
Big is Beautiful- Really? No, Mrs. Chubbs, fat is indeed not beautiful. I don’t think someone that smells like three week old cream cheese can be considered beautiful. By saying that big is beautiful, you are actually just admitting that you’re too damn lazy to lose weight. “But people should love me the way I am!” Well yes, in a sense. They can love the person that you are on the inside, but not the outside. Unless someone has a fat fetish, then no guy or girl is going to want to do anything with you. Making out would be like shoving your face into a big, slobbering pillow. And please for the good of all mankind, if you’re a fatster, don’t wear tight clothing, no one wants to see that. Instead of wearing shirts that say “Princess” and “Sex Object”, you should be wearing shirts that say “Type II diabetes FTW”.
So what do I propose we do about this fat people problem? I have two solutions:
Fat Tax- Since a morbidly obese person consumes more food and drink in a day than a moderately sized Mormon family does in a week, we need to start taxing their asses! Police, fireman and medical personnel have to spend hours upon hours just getting a morbidly obese person out of their house. They do fun and exciting things like cut holes in roofs and walls, and use forklifts or cranes to retrieve them. How could you live with yourself if the only way you can get out of your house is via forklift? Remember back when you were a kid and you could use those wonderful appendages on the bottom of your body to move about? Yeah, your legs! What a fantastic invention those things were. But anyway, since our tax dollars pay for the policemen and firemen to retrieve these people, we need to tax them! If you are considered morbidly obese, then you will be taxed extra for being a strain on society.
Fat People Recycling- Now hear me out on this one. Since fat people use so many resources during their lifetimes, I think they ought to give back when they die. We can use their muscles and their organs to make high quality cow feed. Their fat can be processed into either oil or grease to be used on machinery. And their bones can be ground down and made into fat people China.
well this certainly helped me get over the last thing I read about gay marriage! you are too funny matthew :)
